Whether it was the shift to guitars on albums like "Ill Communication," the so-called "trail-blazing" efforts of these "white rappers" (thanks for the Vanilla Ice, guys) or the oh-so-socially-conscious efforts of Adam "MCA" Yauch (yes, the guy who crushed a beer can over his head in the "Fight For Your Right To Party" vid), the Rock Hall considers the Beastie Boys viable candidates for their Prestigious Palace of Ignorance.
Why?
Say what you will: They had rhymes like Abe Vigoda.
First things first: 1986's "Licensed To Ill" was a staple of my youth - the tape was one of my first and it sat nicely on my desk in a stack that also included Genesis' "Invisible Touch," Cinderella's "Night Songs" and the Huey Lewis & the News classic "Fore!"
Somehow, my parents never bothered to check in as the boys were rambling on about "skeezin' with a whore" or "gun hidin' on the go" or "ball-slapping" or drinking "def ale." No one in the house held the album's cover up to a mirror to reveal the Holy Grail for teen boys in the 1980s: "eat me" written on the side of the plane. So I went around reciting "Paul Revere" and "Posse In Effect." Ad-Rock, MCA and Mike D. were dumb kids doing dumb things, and it was awesome.
Some people call him robo.
But that's the point. The "Licensed To Ill" Era Beastie Boys are THE Beastie Boys. It lasted through "Paul's Boutique" and that was it.
It's like The Hold Steady - they'll always be 2004's "Almost Killed Me" - a campy, timeless romp that will never grow old. That's that band. Serious Craig Finn pretending to be Bruce Springsteen? That's something else, and that cannot be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
And neither can the Beastie Boys, and not because they're rappers.
It's because they're three dudes who sing silly songs and make funny videos. That's it. They never pushed the proverbial envelope, so how could the Beastie Boys be in and not Devo? They never dominated the charts, so how could the Beastie Boys be in and not the B-52s?
Mainly, it's because they're this:
And this:
And of course this:
Thankfully, according to an exhaustive examination of the 2012 nominees, the amazing Rock Hall blog Future Rock Legends determined that the Beasties won't be getting in.
And that's good. Because what would be sadder - thinking about dirt bags with 5 o'clock shadows and car pendant necklaces entering the hallowed halls, or the thought of this trio getting on stage, right now, to perform "No Sleep Til Brooklyn," "Intergalactic," "Hey Ladies" or "So Whatcha Want"?
Last year, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame announced its inductees at 10:30 a.m. on Wednesday, Dec. 15.
That means this year's announcement can't be that far away, even though the Hall and its voters are holding an induction date close to their slimy vests.
One way to get a good read on who's getting in and who isn't is to look at who's been saying what, and who's been saying nothing. After ripping the Hall for years, Joan Jett has gone silent. The Heart sisters have been appearing there regularly while also staying mum on the subject.
Not even "Light of Day" can stop Jett from flying into the Hall.
Those who want to get in know that speaking out can be harmful - David Bowie smoked the Hall in several interviews and didn't get in until 1996, which is a sham.
This is why we're pretty sure The Cure ain't getting in, and after seeing Robert Smith get snippy with them on his website because they didn't put their drummer's name in the bio on their site, we're fairly certain he'd be OK with that.
"BORIS WILLIAMS, LOL TOLHURST AND JASON COOPER HAVE EACH BEEN THE CURE’S DRUMMER ON FOUR ALBUMS… BORIS WILLIAMS WAS IN THE BAND FOR 9 YEARS AND LOL TOLHURST FOR 11 YEARS (5 YEARS AS DRUMMER)… BUT JASON COOPER HAS BEEN DRUMMING WITH THE CURE FOR 17 YEARS, FROM 1994 TO THE PRESENT DAY… JASON COOPER IS THE CURE’S DRUMMER – AND IT SICKENS ME THAT HE DOESNT GET A NAME CHECK… BAH! RSX"
Guns 'N' Roses was already a lock, and recent comments by the typically acerbic, anti-establishment Slash poured cement and molten lava on top of the lock and put it in an Al Gore lockbox.
Whoops, wrong Slash.
"It's become very prestigious over the years, and it's become a huge honor for anybody to be inducted into it -- or even nominated, for that matter," he recently told Billboard. "It's a cool accolade, I suppose. Obviously we're in really, really great company."
He also dangled the ultimate carrot stuck, essentially saying there would be a Guns reunion if they got in.
Sir Rod Stewart took it a step further, practically begging voters to put Faces in and promising to snag Ronnie Wood and the boys and reunite with his ol' mates if they made it happen.
"If the Faces make it in, I can't think of a more befitting opportunity for the band to finally reunite and perform. I know I'd definitely be up for it."
If these guys get in, someone needs to keep an eye on Rod and Ronnie:
Who got inducted when and how many hits did this band have and who performed to honor that lady are likely among the more than 1,700 questions and 87 cards players will see in the The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Trivia Board Game, one of many frivolous items currently being peddled at the Hall's website.
Questions most likely not asked in this product nudged somewhere between socks and Arby's gift cards on most people's Christmas list:
- Who is the biggest douche ever to be inducted? (Answer: Jackson Browne, 2004)
- How the hell are two of the biggest and best rock and roll bands of all time - Cheap Trick and Kiss - not in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? (Answer: Rock Hall voters have no testicles)
Big Daddy Donahue scares yet another child.
- Who has the best beard in RNR HoF history? (Answer: deejay Tom "Big Daddy" Donahue)
- When will this irrelevant pile of rubble move someplace where something significant in rock actually happened (and not just to some town that had a revitalization project going on and outbid everyone else) and transform into a mighty fortress honoring the best of the best as judged by people with actual taste in music and knowledge of things that didn't happen before 1975? (Answer: When Jann Wenner finally hears Guided By Voices or The Replacements and discovers Rock and Roll).
Something like this should be shown to Jann and the other clueless 500 Rock Hall voters, "Clockwork Orange" style. Maybe they'd grow a set.
You could navigate your way to the Rock Hall website and waste $29.99 on this pile of garbage, only it's somehow out of stock, likely gobbled up by "music aficionados" everywhere. No wonder music sucks so bad.
There's something significant about the fact that the induction event in 1991 was delayed by the beginning of Bush I's bombing of Baghdad.
But not because the start of the war was good or bad, but because Rolling Stone maestro and Rock Hall King Jann Wenner proved once again that he's a Grade A douche by reciting the lyrics to a Jackson Browne song. If you're going to speak out against a military action, you go Dylan, or Woody, or even Bruce, right? But Jackson Freaking Browne? There's a sweet spot in hell for that scumbag later in the life of CDNR. But back to the proceedings...
He's Ralph Bass, and he came to get down.
As bland and mind-numbingly mediocre as this class was - The Byrds and John Lee Hooker being the cool but still not wow-these-are-awesome-moments exceptions - it was still easy to bounce a few suckas.
First up is Ralph Bass, a producer and talent scout who played as a sideman on the original version of R&B standard "Kansas City" and many other allegedly important songs.
But Bass gets bounced because you just can't have a guy in the Hall who looks like this. You just can't. Rob Bass has more right to be in there than Ralph Bass (pausing to make a note to self about a future Rob-Bass-should-be-in-the-Hall entry).
Next, we're pulling an unnecessary double-switch straight out of Tony La Russa's playbook, knocking Ike and Tina Turner out of the Hall and putting Tina right back in.
Ike is a wife beating scumbag, and if you say you really love the whole of their version of "Proud Mary" (meaning the beginning and not just the awesome second part) then you're lying. This sack of shit has shared credit with the amazing Tina Turner for too long.
Let's make things right and official right now: Tina Turner dominated as the frontwoman of a group that Ike Turner assembled and produced. When Tina showed more balls than Ike ever had and split, she went on to dominate as a solo artist, and he faded into oblivion. She rules, and he sucks.
She's in, and he's out. Amen.
Only thing missing is the pitcher hitting 8th.
LaVern Baker
Dave Bartholomew Ralph Bass Ike and Tina Turner
Neshui Ertegun
The Byrds
John Lee Hooker
The Impressions
Howlin' Wolf
Wilson Pickett
Jimmy Reed Tina Turner
When Peter Gabriel decided not to perform or even appear with his former Genesis bandmates upon their induction to the Rock Hall in 2010, it was a soul-crushing experience for fans of the prog-rock and later lite-rock legends.
But we got it. After helping to make some of the most incredible albums of the 1970s - if not the last 40 years - Phil Collins, Tony Banks and Mike Rutherford went on to slowly but surely soil upon Genesis' legacy not unlike skidmarks in tighty whiteys. Pistol Pete wasn't going to get up there with those limp dudes.
There could, however, be a moment of glory for Gabriel fans to revel in soon. Or, rather, there should be: Peter Gabriel should be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame as a solo artist.
It's been nine freaking years since he's been eligible, people. And it's not like it's never happened before: McCartney, Lennon and Harrison from the Beatles. Clapton from Cream. Neil Young from CSNY (barely counts but still).
And it should happen again here. Let's rundown the reasons why:
1) Obviously, his tenure as the frontman of Genesis. Strike that, his tenure as a groundbreaking frontman, one that dressed as a vegetable while selling England by the pound and laid down on Broadway while looking like some whacked out ghoul who spent way way too much time in the sun.
There's always been Ethel.
2) When he wisely split from Genesis in the mid-1970s - get out before things get lame - his stuff got better while Collins-Banks-Rutherford started their decent down Rock Mountain. Look, I dig pseudo proggish stuff like 1976's "Trick of the Tale," and I even like the cornball '80s stuff for what it is. "Invisible Touch" was one of my first tapes; I can recite every line. I saw them on the "We Can't Dance Tour" at the Vet. But "Illegal Alien"? "Follow You Follow Me"? Come on, man.
Gabriel, meanwhile, came out slugging with his a trio of great self-titled solo albums stuffed with all-time classic singles. Do I really have to list them? Thought not.
Rad video.
3) Early on Gabriel remained very weird and very artsy and appeased just about everyone from prog fans to FM radio listeners to those who dug underground rock. What really makes him Hall-worthy is his big-time (excuse the pun) commercial period in the '80s, when he slammed it out of the park with "Sledgehammer" and crafted a stone-cold slow jam classic in "In Your Eyes" that will be passed on forever thanks to "Say Anything," both of which are just two of the highlight reel that is the album "So." "Mercy Street," "Big Time," "Red Rain" ... wow.
1992's "Us."
4) The ridiculously underrated 1992 album "Us." With songs like "Digging In The Dirt," "Blood of Eden" and "Secret World," Gabriel recreated the scene from "Roadhouse" where Dalton yanks the heart out of the bad guy's chest, only he does it to himself.
Some might say this is just another issue of another guy who should or shouldn't get in, who cares either way.
But if Sting or some other crap-peddling puffball somehow gets in before Gabriel, the Hall should be imploded and forever forgotten.
Okay, so the title is not all that original, but I am not going to promise a religious experience here.
So my good friend says "Hey... I have this BLOG I'd like you to contribute to. Would you be interested?"
I reply with "Absolutely!", so he sends me the credentials, I check it out... and I promptly forget about it.
Actually, that's not fair. I didn't "forget" as in "what the hell are you talking about", I forgot as in "I am so swamped with non-fun ACTUAL work that I won't be able to rectify having fun writing something that might be a lightning rod for a lot of viewers." Now, the day before Thanksgiving, I find myself with a little time, so I thought, what better time to write an inaugural entry for Cleveland Does Not Rock?
That being said, here's what I have to say: There are some great members enshrined in The Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame, but there are a lot of "I wouldn't have let you in even if you had a ticket" members that just boggle my mind.
Let's look at it this way... this place in Cleveland, Ohio is called The Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame, right? So what are the key phrases there? Rock 'n' Roll and Hall of Fame. Since the second phrase is the easier of the two to explain, let's tackle that first.
To me, a "hall of fame" is a special place where luminaries in a specific (remember that word, kids... it comes up later) field are put on pedestals for the world to respect. It's a grouping of individuals who are commonly considered to be "the best" in that specific field... not just people who did it, but people who did it better than anyone else.
"Rock 'n' Roll" is a bit more complex, but we're going to skip over most of the history of this genre and just give it a quick definition to get on with the rest of the entry (I tend to run on at the mouth... or fingers... sometimes): "Rock 'n' Roll" is a genre of music that features at least one rhythm guitar, usually at least one bass (sometimes upright, mostly guitar), and at least one drummer.
Sure, there are examples with other percussion instruments (piano, tambourine), stringed instruments (violins, violas, or fiddles), harmonicas, and, in some cases, interesting choices such as bagpipes (seriously... check out AC/DC's "It's a Long Way to the Top (If you Wanna Rock 'n' Roll)"). The genre is defined with specific beats and rhythms, so musically, there is a big difference between "hard rock" and "heavy metal" or "folk rock" and "adult contemporary" or "KISS" and "Disco KISS."
Does Disco KISS still count as KISS?
I bring these terms up because when I look at the list of those housed in Cleveland, I wonder who was thinking what when James Brown was inducted. Don't get me wrong, I love me some James Brown, but allow me this trivia question for you: What is James Brown's pseudo-religious nickname? If you answered "The Godfather of SOUL", then you are correct. I see a distinct difference between soul music and rock 'n' roll.
Chuck Berry? Absolutely, positively rock 'n' roll. Elvis? 100% rock 'n' roll. B.B. King? Muddy Waters? John Lee Hooker? No way! They were legendary BLUES musicians! I can't think of a better way to spend a rainy Sunday than sitting down with a beer in my hand, B.B. wailing in the background... but that ain't rock 'n' roll, folks!
Michael Jackson was inducted in 2001. The King of POP. Parliament-FUNKadelic was inducted in 1997.
Bob Marley was inducted in 1994. Seriously? Reggae Jesus?
Miles F*cking Davis in 2006... can you get any more brilliant and JAZZY than Miles?
Grandmaster Flash and The Furious Five in 2007.
Run-D.M.C. in 2009.
Christ... ABBA?! ABBA?!? in 2010!
Look... I have nothing against ABBA... truth-be-told, I actually like their music, but they are as much rock 'n' roll as I am a rock. They were the flag-bearers of disco, but they would never be associated with rock 'n' roll, would they?
A little bit of the ol' Ludwig van?
I am not opposed to another (or several other) hall of fame(s) opening that encompasses "popular music", but rock 'n' roll is specific! Just like we won't ever see Black Sabbath enshrined in The Rap Hall of Fame, why are Eric B. and Rakim going to Cleveland in 2012? Why not a posthumous induction for Ludwig van Beethoven because his 5th symphony was covered by many a talented rock guitarist?
So tell me... what argument is made for inducting James Taylor or Simon and Garfunkel?
I guess, as I listen to The Foo Fighters' "Stacked Actors" while typing this, I just don't get what the criteria is.
Whatever it is, someone needs to tighten it up... or at least rename the hall of fame to something a little less specific.
The Foo Fightersconsistently put out good-to-great rock and roll records. And they have since they debuted in 1995. They are future Rock Hall of Famers. That’s a fact. And it’s hard to make a case against it.
I saw them five times in my life. None of them were memorable. In fact, three of them are on my top five worst shows list. Why I continued to go to these awful shows was a dearth of reason and surplus of naivety. Every time after the first, I hoped the last was just a bad night for the band.
Each show – from my first in 2000 to my last in September – was the Dave Grohl Giant Ego Spectacular Showcase. You know, as opposed to a Foo Fighters concert, where a band called the Foo Fighters plays Foo Fighters songs.
At least half the show is Davey G yammering and yakking. Now, does he tell us a story behind a song or album? Does he say anything interesting about the band’s travels or innerworkings? No. It’s mostly back patting and pandering.
Foo fans just gotta Grohl and bear it, baby.
To paraphrase Mr. Grohl at a recent show: We’re not one of those bands that play for an hour and leaves (pauses for 10 seconds). We’re not one of those bands that play for an hour and half and leaves (pauses for 10 seconds). We’re not one of those bands that play for two hours and leaves (pauses for 10 seconds). We’re gonna play til you tell us to stop (pauses for 20 seconds)! Do you want us to stop? (soaks in the applause for a minute and a half).
Then, in nearly every song, the bridge is overextended by a 10-minute chord loop while he runs around the stage and catwalk. By the time the song kicks back into the final chorus, I’ve checked out. Simply don’t care anymore. All momentum is depleted.
Oh yeah, and then every song is capped with that a gratuitous big rock ending. You know, those annoying minute long one-chord drum-guitar builds where you start clapping then stop realizing they are playing it out more so they can hear you clap and yell longer.
That’s horseshit, man.
All that is beautifully captured in this 12-minute version of “Monkey Wrench”:
Gee Dave, a two-and-a-half hour show isn’t that hard to pull off when half the time you’re just taking a hyper-loquacious piss. It seems like he’s completely unaware that people came to listen to the songs they know and love – the songs (and songwriting) that made the Foo Fighters famous and respected in the first place.
And it’s a shame, because as I said earlier, Foo Fighters records are still good. Old ones stand the test of time. And the new ones definitely are better than their contemporary pop star peers.
Yes, the Foo Fighters deserve a Rock Hall induction. Dave will probably get two. And that’s deserved, too, for everything he does off the stage.
I just needed to get that out. To me, people who come back from a Foo Fighters show saying it was the best show they’ve ever been to are speaking wishfully and obtusely.
Just because they are playing rock and roll doesn’t make it a rock and roll show.
So I’ll leave you with this – a no-frills performance of a B-side/deep cut from their first record played without ego, without tongue in cheek, without an over-long ending.
