At some point someone's gonna
realize T. Rex isn't in. Right?
There's plenty of previously passed over artists who could make it into the Hall in 2015.
T Rex, Peter, Paul and Mary, Jethro Tull, The Monkees, Ozzy Osbourne, Def Leppard, Judas Priest and rap acts like NWA and LL Cool J head the mainstream list.
Kiss getting in might inch The New York Dolls (heavily influenced Kiss) and Cheap Trick (heavily influenced by Kiss) closer to consideration,
and there's always a chance that someone hips Jann Wenner to Big Star
and he realizes what an important act he's been missing over the course of his 68 years on the planet.
This year's induction of Nirvana gives CDNR favorites The Pixies and The Replacements an outside shot. The band strongly emulated (aped?) the loud-soft-loud dynamic that made The Pixies big and famous, and Kurt Cobain was a big-time fan of the Mats ("Nevermind" got its name from a Replacements song).
And let this be the first in our many efforts over the next year to push for The Smiths, who were not that far off from Beatles-level popularity and success in England during the 1980s and also did extremely well in the U.S. You'd be hard-pressed to find a band that boasts even the smallest element of emo and didn't love The Smiths.
Mikey Miss: Takin' a stand.
I actually think there's an outside chance Green Day gets in, and that just makes me sick. We're starting to see some public backlash to this idea, with a big Philadelphia-area sports radio personality, Mike Missanelli, saying they shouldn't be in. What makes this noteworthy is that I'd be willing to wager that 90 percent of Missanelli's audience that tunes into his show on 97.5 The Fanatic are enormous Green Day fans. There's also this post on AV Club by a comedian who smokes the band and "American Idiot."
Among the acts that will become eligible for the first time in 2015, I see three shoe-ins:
Alice In Chains
Failed attempts to make quality, relevant new music will only hurt their chances slightly. Nirvana's induction has started a run on excellent grunge bands that no one can argue against. Big albums, big influence, amazing guitar work and songwriting by Jerry Cantrell and an uber-talented pseudo frontman, Layne Staley, who died by overdose - this tragedy is actually a huge plus in their favor as far as Rock Hall induction. Also, they did an MTV "Unplugged." So they're in.
Smashing Pumpkins
You could say that three critically acclaimed albums - "Gish," "Siamese Dream," "Mellon Collie and the Infinite Album that Goes on Forever and Isn't Really That Good So Why Did They Bother Making It A Double Album" - does not a Hall of Fame career make, but then again Nirvana only had three albums total, and the Sex Pistols only had one album total, so there goes that argument. Besides a batch of great hooks, some tasty licks, and a few classic tracks, the Pumpkins are really nothing special. But they fit the mold of Hall of Fame band to a tee, complete with the potential of a long-overdue, publicity grabbing reunion.
The Black Crowes
The Rock Hall is all about Wenner and his boys reliving the glory years of the 1960s and early 1970s. The Black Crowes and their music live in that time period. Combine this with calls for the Hall to be more forward-thinking, and the Crowes are in. Obviously, this is a huge, huge, huge mistake, but it wouldn't be the first time one was made by the close-minded dweebs that vote for induction.
Later on we'll look at some of my dream inductions and likely snubs from the Class of 2015.
Popeye to Joe Elliott: I smell what you're cooking.
The battle rages on: Def Leppard's "Adrenalize" takes on Bon Jovi's "New Jersey" in a winner-gets-in-the-Rock-Hall death match. This is Round 3, Track 3: "Make Love Like A Man" vs. "Born To Be My Baby."
"Make Love Like A Man":
G.E. Smith: "Make love like a man. I'm a man. That's what I am." These are the Popeye-esque words that propel the chorus of the third track on the follow-up to one of the biggest albums of all time. This is kind of a problem, because the third slot tends to be a pretty prominent spot on an album, not just because IT'S THE THIRD SONG ON AN ALBUM but because there's a precedent that's been set: On Led Zeppelin's "IV," it was the kind-of-silly but kind-of-epic "Battle of Evermore." On The Doors' classic self-titled debut, it was "The Crystal Ship," weak-ass by Doors' standards but transcendent compared to, say, Muse. Then there's "Come As You Are" ("Nevermind"), "Life In The Fast Lane" ("Hotel California") and so on.
Here, however, the Leps have put a real toilet-clogger right up in the front of the pile. It would be like the horrid 1987 Chicago Cubs moving part-time starter Ed Lynch (2-9, 5.38 ERA) to the top of their rotation ahead of ace Rick Sutcliffe (18-10, 3.68 ERA). Actually, it'd be like putting Harry Caray's corpse ahead of Sutcliffe.
"MLLAM": the Ed Lynch of "Adrenalize."
I've avoided talking about the actual song here, but that's because doing so is like taking a stick and looking underneath a dead bird that's been sitting around for 12 days. You got your cowbell, you've got your mentions of gigolos, you've got your pointless midsections where Joe Elliott begs, "Gimme some rock and roll! A little bit of rock and roll!" and you find this request sincere, because there is zero rock and roll going on here.
Truly four minutes and 13 seconds of the worst music ever conceived and recorded.
RATING: .01 out of 10.
Michael Anthony: Sigh, I guess it wouldn't be right to just skip this one.
Being a Lep Lover, this is like seeing my dad go up against Mike Tyson circa 1986. It's like Glass Joe against Little Mac, with the once-mighty pop-metal singles machine Def Leppard playing the role of the undermatched, light-hitting, glass-jawed dope who gets knocked out with one punch to a 110-pound child.
Seriously, what happened to these guys? Once capable of hammering out quality meatheaded buttrock riffola (everything from this to this to this would fit the bill) - solidly written, even somewhat complex tunes, complete with their own wit, personality, and sexist charm - this is what they've been reduced to?
"Make Love Like A Man"? More like "Make Songs Like A PIECE OF SHIT", am I right?
To blame: Phil Collins or Phil Collen?
People like to give Nirvana credit for ushering in serious, introspective (and bad) alt-rock and forcing all the lame, unserious arena-rockers out of the public consciousness, but I blame this horrible song and video (also, any Van Halen video released in the 90's).
G.E. Smith: Man, I sure hope you aren't serving up some home cooking for your fellow Garden State boys. But whether the hometown pride is there or not, this tune is definitely worthy of Goodwill or the Salvation Army and not the outright dump like the rest of this landfill of music. The na-na-na's are cool but definitely hackneyed, and it seems like a cheap trick for a maestro like Desmond Child to yank out of his pants.
I always thought the video for the tune, where they show the boys working hard behind the scenes, and isolate the vocal tracks, was kind of cool. But look at it now:
Still, there are some puke-worthy moments here. It totally rips the underneath harmony from the verse of "You Give Love A Bad Name," and lyrically the story goes right back to the same kind of story where Tommy's working on the docks and Gina working at the diner all day in "Livin' On A Prayer." And then the pre-chorus seems to be in a totally different key than the verse, and then the chorus is ok again. It's almost as if they couldn't come up with something, reached into a batch of tape and threw something in there to create a bridge. Why ruin a song that's only slightly odorous and spray it with a scent that crosses skunk with burnt hair?
Rating: 4.5 out of 10.
Mystery solved: Here's what Dez looks like.
Michael Anthony: This is the sound of Hall-worthy* hired gun Desmond Child running out of steam. It's still better than most songwriters can manage on their best day, but the formula is starting to show its age. Could be why there's that awkward, forced key change that G.E. mentioned earlier. It's kind of cool that he was trying something somewhat unique, and I suppose in a way it makes the song more memorable, but it's not very subtle, and again - do we want creativity and artistic leaps in a Bon Jovi song? No, we want the balls-out hairband pop of "Living On A Prayer" and "You Give Love A Bad Name". Clearly these guys had a hard time living up to the pressure of those mammoth hits, and wilted into generic balladeers and eventually even adult contemporary country "stars". Yikes!
Still, it's got more style and melody than what we've heard so far off the limp "New Jersey," and it kicks the crap out of a putrid offering from Def Leppard. Hand another one to the Jersey Boys.
If you were hosting a party for some of the highest rollers in town, you would serve a gourmet meal - Fillet Mignon, the finest fish, maybe duck, some scrumptious appetizers, Banana's Foster and other amazing desserts. If you planned to serve adult beverages, you would reach for the top shelf - vintage wines, Grey Goose vodka, microbrews, etc. The best table cloths would come out, perhaps some plants would be arranged, a nice sound system would be set up and you'd probably put on your best clothes, maybe even a tux.
Yet year after year after year after year, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame serves up frozen dinners, busts out the PBR and Boone's Farm, covers a picnic table with a plastic cover, turns up the soundtrack to "Footloose" and calls that the finest of the finest.
Out of the bands that were nominated, I can't argue with the selection of Guns 'N' Roses. They were a massive band that changed the direction of music and held the role of Michael Jordan of music for about 6-7 years.
Cheap Trick: Shafted again.
Still, how many other eligible bands are legitimately deserving, all biases or personal preferences aside: Kiss (which topped this list of bands that keep getting sh*t on), Cheap Trick, The Replacements, Big Star, Yes, Rush, Peter Gabriel, and so on.
And while the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Donovan, The Beastie Boys, The Faces and Laura Nyro are all fine bands, none of them are more worthy than Heart or Joan Jett, and all of them are definitely not top-shelf material.
Let's start with the Peppers:
- I'm shocked. Maybe some day they get in, but to get in now, with so many others waiting, even from THIS CLASS, wow.
- They blended the speed of The Minutemen with the funk of Stevie Wonder and P-Funk. So one of the key ingredients of this band will never sniff the Hall, yet the RCP make it in their second year eligible?
- They wore socks on their d*cks.
- They were a goofy band, and if the Rock Hall wants to argue that Cheap Trick or Kiss shouldn't get in because they were schlocky or over the top, then the Peppers should be under the same band.
- They really didn't do anything Hall-worthy until "Blood Sugar Sex Magik," and then nothing after.
- No stability: They had three permanent members during their entire run, shifting out guitarists like Spinal Tap did drummers.
Thanks Beasties. Word to ya motha.
Beasties:
- We just covered this in a recent post. They were a novelty band. It was solidified with "Licensed To Ill" and never really changed despite efforts to get serious.
- The first white rappers. But is that really ground breaking or coincidence?
- They mixed rock and rap, but didn't Run-DMC already do that?
- "Paul's Boutique" is great, but it basically uses every song made in the last 30 years as samples to make the songs better. So should Beck get in? Should Vanilla Ice get in?
- How many rap artists should be offended that they got in before them? Eric B. and Rakim, L.L. Cool J., Big Daddy Kane ... (EPMD, Public Enemy and NWA should be a lock when they become eligible next year, right?
The Faces:
- Like Guns, it's kind of hard to argue against them getting in. They made some pretty bad-ass tunes during their short but solid run, but let's be honest - they are in because Rod Stewart and Ronnie Wood were in the band. Period.
Donovan:
- How many dozens of solo artists could get in before him, including (holding the puke in my mouth) Sting?
Laura Nyro:
- Hailed as "an innovative pop songstress." So, like, Liz Phair, Lady Gaga, Janet Jackson or Lucinda Williams? I expect all of them to get in too, Rock Hall.
Who got inducted when and how many hits did this band have and who performed to honor that lady are likely among the more than 1,700 questions and 87 cards players will see in the The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Trivia Board Game, one of many frivolous items currently being peddled at the Hall's website.
Questions most likely not asked in this product nudged somewhere between socks and Arby's gift cards on most people's Christmas list:
- Who is the biggest douche ever to be inducted? (Answer: Jackson Browne, 2004)
- How the hell are two of the biggest and best rock and roll bands of all time - Cheap Trick and Kiss - not in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? (Answer: Rock Hall voters have no testicles)
Big Daddy Donahue scares yet another child.
- Who has the best beard in RNR HoF history? (Answer: deejay Tom "Big Daddy" Donahue)
- When will this irrelevant pile of rubble move someplace where something significant in rock actually happened (and not just to some town that had a revitalization project going on and outbid everyone else) and transform into a mighty fortress honoring the best of the best as judged by people with actual taste in music and knowledge of things that didn't happen before 1975? (Answer: When Jann Wenner finally hears Guided By Voices or The Replacements and discovers Rock and Roll).
Something like this should be shown to Jann and the other clueless 500 Rock Hall voters, "Clockwork Orange" style. Maybe they'd grow a set.
You could navigate your way to the Rock Hall website and waste $29.99 on this pile of garbage, only it's somehow out of stock, likely gobbled up by "music aficionados" everywhere. No wonder music sucks so bad.
