John Fogerty sells out, Foo Fighters suck up

From the Foo's Twitter account. Shh don't tell anyone.

As we already established in a previous post, John Fogerty is a turd.

It was Mr. "Centerfield" who stood on principal, who said no way am I going to put out good shit for my label, no way am I going to play a goddamn three-chord song or two with my Creedence Clearwater Revival bandmates when we go in the Rock Hall in 1993, and it ain't me, it ain't me I ain't no fortunate son and all that crap.

Well lookie here: According to the Los Angeles Times, the alleged rebel has written an original theme song for a new Fox show, "The Finder," and will actually guest star in the debut on Thursday, and will actually make the stripped-down version of "Fortunate Son" that he plays on the show available for purchase at a later date. CAAAA-CHING.

Somehow this isn't the only noteworthy news involving John Fogy-ty, as it has been reported by Billboard and others that Foo Fighters will guest on his upcoming album. Other guests include Miranda Lambert and Brad Paisley.

MIRANDA LAMBERT. BRAD PAISLEY. FOO FIGHTERS. JOHN FOGERTY. SAME ALBUM.

Harry's dump-a-rooni: We've all been there before, right?

With that thought accepted and dumped out in a fashion similar to the one Jeff Daniels' Harry employed in "Dumb and Dumber," let's address the real issue: What is Dave Grohl up to here? Why perform on a Fogerty record? Why? There is just no connection at any point in Grohl's career with Nirvana or Foos that could be made. Even his limp-ass tune "Wheels," from their 2009 greatest hits album*, is more Tom Petty lite or by-the-numbers adult contemporary radio rock than it is retro-rock circuit.

* I have to break this out: Foo Fighters' 2009 "Greatest Hits" was a two-CD set, with EIGHT SONGS on each disc. Eight songs on one disc? What a monumental waste of disc space. So there's 16 songs, and among those is the awful "Wheels," which was new at the time, and was obviously awful, but someone had the genius idea to include this on a greatest hits set? Also among this collection of greats is an acoustic version of "Everlong" to close things out. This is a greatest HITS album boys. Why do you have two versions of the same song on a greatest hits record? HAHAHHAHA.

Watch the "Wheels" come down right here:

The only motive in play with this Foo Fighters-Fogerty collab is this: Grohl and his boys are laying the groundwork for a 2020 induction on the first ballot. By that time, Foo Fighters will be considered Classic Rock, and many will redo history to put them on one of the upper shelves with The Doors, The Byrds and, oh, what do you know, CREEDENCE!

Look, the self-titled debut was great. "The Colour and the Shape" is half good. I know CDNR's Flipout Wilson will disagree, but I don't see anything else in their catalog that takes them to Rock Hall level.

Hopefully, one of our readers in the Ukraine saves this or something like it until 2020.

Kickin' Em Out: 1991

There's something significant about the fact that the induction event in 1991 was delayed by the beginning of Bush I's bombing of Baghdad.

But not because the start of the war was good or bad, but because Rolling Stone maestro and Rock Hall King Jann Wenner proved once again that he's a Grade A douche by reciting the lyrics to a Jackson Browne song. If you're going to speak out against a military action, you go Dylan, or Woody, or even Bruce, right? But Jackson Freaking Browne? There's a sweet spot in hell for that scumbag later in the life of CDNR. But back to the proceedings...

He's Ralph Bass, and he came to get down.

As bland and mind-numbingly mediocre as this class was - The Byrds and John Lee Hooker being the cool but still not wow-these-are-awesome-moments exceptions - it was still easy to bounce a few suckas.

First up is Ralph Bass, a producer and talent scout who played as a sideman on the original version of R&B standard "Kansas City" and many other allegedly important songs.

But Bass gets bounced because you just can't have a guy in the Hall who looks like this. You just can't. Rob Bass has more right to be in there than Ralph Bass (pausing to make a note to self about a future Rob-Bass-should-be-in-the-Hall entry).

Next, we're pulling an unnecessary double-switch straight out of Tony La Russa's playbook, knocking Ike and Tina Turner out of the Hall and putting Tina right back in.

Ike is a wife beating scumbag, and if you say you really love the whole of their version of "Proud Mary" (meaning the beginning and not just the awesome second part) then you're lying. This sack of shit has shared credit with the amazing Tina Turner for too long.

Let's make things right and official right now: Tina Turner dominated as the frontwoman of a group that Ike Turner assembled and produced. When Tina showed more balls than Ike ever had and split, she went on to dominate as a solo artist, and he faded into oblivion. She rules, and he sucks.  

She's in, and he's out. Amen.

Only thing missing is the pitcher hitting 8th.

LaVern Baker
Dave Bartholomew
Ralph Bass
Ike and Tina Turner
Neshui Ertegun
The Byrds
John Lee Hooker
The Impressions
Howlin' Wolf
Wilson Pickett
Jimmy Reed
Tina Turner

Kickin' Em Out: 1990

You're right, Bobby. It's not me. It's you.

Try as your smiling eyes might, nothing can convince me that you belong in the Hall.

Let's start with the two most important criteria:
Is Bobby Darin rock? No.
Is Bobby Darin roll? No.

The beginning of his career was spent in the Brill Building, banging out safe, teen-approved songs. Going solo produced more of the same: poppy, tuneful ditties that were, quite literally, scrubbed of the grit that his contemporaries — such as renowned creepster and true rock pioneer Chuck Berry, hipster-template and belt-it-out god Buddy Holly, and boozers The Champs of "Tequila" fame — left on. Click for Exhibit A.

Darin followed "Splish Splash" with the truly great blockbuster song "Dream Lover," which gave millions of girlfans hope that perhaps the idol spent his nights at home hugging his pillow and staring wistfully out the window, too. It also inspired, by my unofficial count, one custard-marshmallow cream-chocolate sauce-and-pecan sundae at a Midwestern scoop shop.

And then, inevitably, given his silky voice and charming good looks, Darin devolved into a lounge act, recording standards such as "Mack the Knife" and shuffleboard-and-nightly buffet aficionado favorite "Beyond the Sea."

Clearly, Darin was swingin' with the best of 'em in the early '60s. But, crucially, he WAS NOT ROCKING. Perhaps the most rock and roll thing Darin ever did was mentor The Byrds' founder Roger McGuinn. And do lines off of lido girls with Sammy Davis, Jr. (unverified, but completely possible). Seriously, Paul freakin' Anka inducted him into the Hall. That alone is enough to rest my case.

Hank Ballard
Bobby Darin (Chesty McGee)
The Four Seasons
Four Tops
The Kinks
The Platters
Simon and Garfunkel