2012: The end of ... Rock Hall lameness?

Once the suits finish moshing to "Give It Away," doing the "Brass Monkey" and getting their rocks off to a Faces reunion led by Rod Stewart and Ronnie Wood, we'll all move on to the Class of 2013, to be announced this fall before the world presumably ends.

And perhaps as a harbinger of the End Times, it's quite possible the Hall could avoid complete flaccidity for once in its existence: Two can't-miss "cool" and legit acts - The Pixies and Public Enemy - are up for induction. These two acts are among our "12 Artists That Must Be Discussed in 2012 For Induction in 2013."Awesome title, eh?

KISS

Took makeup and pyro to another level, defined stadium rock, pulled two of the biggest and best gags in rock history by taking the makeup off and putting it back on again and, oh, wrote some amazing songs.


RUSH

Three of the best musicians ever to play rock music, plus alongside (early) Genesis and YES form the Mount Rushmore of Prog Rock.


THE PIXIES

Took what came before (Husker Du, David Bowie, Minutemen, etc.) and crystallized it into THE  slick alt-rock sound that dominated the early 1990s and the loud-soft-loud dynamic that Nirvana admittedly borrowed (stole?). Several uber-successful and very lucrative reunion tours should nail down an induction.

PUBLIC ENEMY

I'm going back on my attack on the Beastie Boys and their recent induction - oh, I still don't think they should be in, but just not yet. Someday, maybe. Not yet. But since they are in, voters have now painted themselves in a corner. If the Beasties - sort of a joke act - are in, then Public Enemy, arguably the greatest and most important rap/ hip-hop acts of all time, should be in. Shit, they are one of the greatest and most important acts, period. Hear the drummer get wicked.

HEART

Shafted in the 2012 inductions after being led on by the Hall and it's limp voters all year. Put them in already.

THE RUNAWAYS 

Joan Jett was another one who seemed to be led on, but really the band she was a leading force in should get in first anyway - The Runaways. The band went worldwide and foretold the Riot Grrl movement of the 1990s. They weren't just a great chick band, they were a great band period.

THE REPLACMENTS



We can dream right? They're only one of the best bands of the last 25 years, maybe even 35, with songs that defined a generation and now get passed to kids over and over again like a New Age Led Zeppelin. If Rock Hall voters had actual testicles (and proverbial ones for the females in the group), Paul Westerberg, Tommy Stinson, Bob Stinson, Christopher Mars and Slim Dunlap would be enshrined already.

CHEAP TRICK

One of the biggest bands in the world in the late 1970s and early 1980s, plus they have a mountain of amazing singles, plus they are one of the best and most important power-pop bands of all time.

THE SMITHS

The Smiths were to the 1980s as the Beatles were to the 1960s. If you live in America, you choose to ignore or forget that truth. If you lived in Britain, you know that to be a stone-cold fact. They had so many singles they put out several compilations with almost completely different lineups. Plus they were fronted by The Gay Elvis, Morrissey, i.e. one of the greatest frontmen of all-time.

HALL & OATES

Sensational songwriters and performers. If you don't love at least one H&O song you don't like music. Even freaking RAPPERS dig Hall & Oates and have sampled tunes like "One On One." Plus, The Mustache. Need I say more?

DEVO

So innovative, so influential, so f*cking weird. Mark Mothersbaugh continues to prove his genius to this day - not only did he helm wacked out tunes like "Jocko Homo" and "Peek-a-boo," but he also has been writing kids' music and scoring shows and movies for eons.

T. REX

If there's no T. Rex, there's no Bowie. There's also about 14 fewer Oasis songs, including "Cigarettes and Alcohol." Daltry namechecked the erstwhile Marc Bolan in a song ("To the sounds of old T. Rex, in "You Better You Bet"). 'Nuff said.


BONUS:
GO-GOS/ THE CARS

If you're going to arbitrarily start chucking in random 1980s acts, why not start with two of the best pop bands of the decade?

Remember the '80s, Rock Hall? Cars, Go-Go's should be in

You might think we're crazy, but The Cars should be in the Hall.

News of the Hall's recent inductions have sunk in here at CDNR Headquarters - we talked Bertha out of taking a dump on the Rock Hall's steps, stopped Bifferado from lighting all of his music on fire and convinced Waldodude to not cut his ears off and eat them on a ham sandwich.

We've agreed that the actual bands and artists chosen aren't that bad; our ire has more to do with the fact that, once again, worthy bands and even entire genres have been passed over in favor of Rolling Stone Approved Bands (i.e., bands that have a guaranteed 4 star reviewed for every album they put out). We're saving a post on Rush until we find someone more qualified to write it up, and we really need to wind up for our Mega-Post on Kiss getting the shaft.

Clearly, the Hall has moved into the 1980s, but instead of starting with New Wave and the dawn of MTV, Hall voters sidestepped the question of keyboards and a return to pop-rock and went right to the middle and later part of the decade.

What about The Cars?

Let's look at the stats:

- 16 singles charted higher than No. 50 on the Billboard Hot 100 singles charts, including a No. 3 (the super-smash ballad "Drive") and a No. 4 (all-time great "Shake It Up"). "Let's Go," which will be sampled at sporting events until there are no more sporting events, hit No. 14.

- 7 albums in the Top 20 of the Billboard 200 albums charts, including three in the Top 5 - 1979's "Candy-O," 1980's "Panorama" and 1984's "Heartbeat City" and the most recent "Move Like This." (Really? The Cars? In 2011? Wow. And awesome).

- 3 singles in the Top 100 from the pretty bad 1986 album "Door To Door," which speaks to their staying power even as they sloped and careened to their eventual breakup.

He drove you home.

Never happens without The Cars.

None of this accounts for the band's contribution to the video era, including the then-groundbreaking "You Might Think"; the late-Benjamin Orr's creepy "Drive," featuring Ric Ocasek's hot model wife; the even creepier "Hello Again," featuring Andy Freaking Warhol and some voluptuous babe who might have been a dude; "Shake It Up"; and "Magic," where Ocasek walks on water on top of clear blocks that you could always see but always pretended how cool it was.

Never happens without The Cars.

Maybe they didn't reinvent the wheel. Maybe they didn't get smacked out on drugs and make effed up videos and boast a bass player named after an insect.

Maybe they didn't rap about bad liquor and make videos with Seth Rogen.

Maybe they didn't welcome you to the jungle and make an overrated, overbloated double album that they sold in separate units to make an extra few bucks.

But if you grew up in the 1980s, you know how rad The Cars were, and you know they belong in the Hall.

Then.

What about The Go-Go's?

Let's look at the stats:


- 3 Top 20 albums in a two year span, including two (1982's "Talk Show" and "Beauty And The Beat") in the same year.


- 1 album, "God Bless The Go-Go's," that hit No. 57 in 2011 (Really? The Go-Go's? In 2011? Wow. And awesome).


- 5 singles in the Top 50 of the the Billboard Hot 100, including four of the best singles of The 1980s: "We Got The Beat," "Our Lips Are Sealed," "Vacation," "Head Over Heels."

Now.

- X number of chart-topping singles and albums if they hadn't been making music in a still-male-dominated industry - and had the benefit of cranking tunes after the falling of the walls they helped to bring down.

Head over heels for Boba.

None of this accounts for the image they cemented in the minds of music fans at the time: Girls can rock, they can write their own tunes and play their own instruments and they don't have to slut it up to do it. They took the torch from the Runaways, of course, but they put this on MTV.

My favorite period is the "Talk Show" phase, where Belinda Carlisle, Jane Wiedlin, Charlotte Caffey, Gina Schock and Kathy Valentine looked like smokin' hot 1980s moms rocking out and didn't really care that they did. It was as bad ass and punk rock as anything they ever did.

Yo, Rock Hall: When you make it up to Heart for abandoning the Women Who Rock theme it seemed like you were building, make sure to include The Go-Go's.

The Heart of the matter

Never run away. Never.

Look, I've got nothing against Heart.

In fact, I'm a huge fan of the portion of the career that would probably keep them out of the Rock Hall than get them in: The Cornball Hard Rock/ Cheese Pop '80s Heart. Ann and Nancy Wilson and their cast of goons have been trotting live performances of the alleged classic "Dreamboat Annie" around the country when they should have been scorching the earth with their self-titled 1985 nuclear bomb.

"Alone." "Never." "What About Love?" "Nothin' At All." Even freaking "These Dreams" - complete with a video where Nancy rocks out on guitar even though there are zero guitars in the soft-as-a-marshmallow hit.

I realize Hall voters will want to acknowledge their spot as early women in hard rock, and if they get in before or with Joan Jett, I won't light my head on fire like I might if, say, the Beastie Boys get in.

Still, I think voters and the world should take into evidence the fact that Heart has some of the all-time worst album covers, the kind that could place amongst the worst with this and this and this.

Here are six of Heart's stinkbomb covers:

 6. "Dog & Butterfly," 1978. I wanted to go with five to be traditional, but I also felt like at least one of Heart's drawn album covers needed to be represented. It easily could have been 1987's "Bad Animals" (which should have been called "Bad Artwork"). But this is the real steaming pile of turd. The idea meeting for the album cover concept must have included the following genius ideas: "Let's put a dog and a butterfly on the cover," and "let's get a 3 year old to draw it," and "let's get a 1 year old to scribble lines all over it," and "let's go doo-doo on the floor."

5. "Dreamboat Annie," 1976. Yes, even this amazing, flawless, influential, all-time classic (whatever) has yet another weird sister image going on that Heart became known for. Why do they appear do be naked? Why does Ann have this look of lust on her face? To quote Harry Mayes from 97.5 The Fan: "What is goin' on back there?"

4. "Heart," 1985. Even in the 1980s, people had to realize they were sporting some pretty far out fashions. Mullets. Copious amounts of hairspray. Jackets that resembled lab coats. Colors that should never go together. Yet Heart flaunted this soon-to-be-dated look on the COVER OF THEIR ALBUM. The guy on the far right looks like Adam Ant on steroids. Come on, man!

3. "Little Queen," 1977. When Marsellus Wallace told Butch that he was "going to get medieval" on a rapist cop's ass, he meant somewhere near the opposite of this. I don't know if the any of the guys in the background were in Heart at the time, but if they were they should probably go ahead and turn themselves into walking Ken dolls right about now.

2. "Desire Walks On," 1993. From the beginning of the let's-not-admit-that-they're-getting-older period. Why is half of Ann's face cut off? Why is Nancy covering one of her eyes with a rose? Why not just have the top of their heads on the cover? Why not just cover them with picnic table covers and batting helmets and call it a day?

1. "Private Audition," 1982. The album title alone could keep Heart out of the Rock Hall; it sounds like some kind of movie you tried to watch through squiggly lines on Skinemax when you were 13 (and by "you" I mean "me"). But what about the photos? What about the dude peering through the blinds? What about the lit cigar that threatens to burn the whole place down? What about the fact that the tracklist includes titles like "City's Burnin'," "Hey Darlin' Darlin'" and "Fast Times"? Without hearing a note I know I would have to be paid a lot of money to sit through this record. In fact, I'm getting sick just looking at it.