Friday, February 1, 2013

Most underrated moments in Music Video History, Vol. 2: Goin' nuts for Hagar

UH! Does it hurt or are you enjoying this?
Nevermind that Sammy Hagar's "I Can't Drive 55" video is a complete rip of Judas Priest's "Breaking The Law."

This is pure MTV gold, the kind of stuff that DVR-ing VH1 Classic was made for.  It's so sensationally bad that it's hard to tell whether this is unintentional comedy or intended unintentional comedy, like "Birdemic."

I could have spent all day picking through the amazing moments, faces and freaks sprinkled all over this clip.

But the prime slice of this pile of '80s cheese is the "UH" moment. It's the exclamation point on a whirlwind sequence in which Hagar - a Rock and Roll Hall of Famer, mind you - throws his guitar in the air, runs up the wall, flips, catches the guitar, jumps off the judge's bench and lands his nuts on the back of the security guard's head.

Since you know the song, and you know that the "UH" part is coming, you know something awesome is gonna happen there. What makes it sublime is that you can never remember what it is, and when it happens, it's just flat-out rad - the timing, the landing and the dork's face when he gets reverse tea-bagged.

But there's so much more. Let's go to the highlights.

Sammy bitches out the alien cop: When Hagar leaves the racetrack and hits the road in his black Ferrari he's clearly pissed about something and in a rush. He's in Road Rage mode, weaving in and out of traffic because, well, he can't drive 55. So when this creepy-ass cop finally gets to him, it looks like Hagar actually pulls HIM over. Then he proceeds to get on his ass??!?!! No wonder he ended up in jail. Next time, pay the fine dude.

Curly Mullet Guy: Every one of the dudes in Hagar's band are pretty messed up looking. But, hey, it's the '80s, so they all get a pass. But Curly Mullet Guy has to be singled out, not only for his many psychotic faces, and not only for his sweet hairdo, but also for the fact that he looks like the one bad guy in "Roadhouse" who gets his throat ripped out by Dalton. Maybe it is the same guy, but I'm too lazy to look.

The Judge: He's smoking a cigar, hanging a doll, and chopping the head off his Stogie with a guillotine, which means what exactly? (besides that he's preparing the Stogie to be lit in a courtroom). I personally like how the guy lip syncs his lines and says the word "ass," even though it's bleeped out here. Apparently whoever posted this is kind of a prude.

Classic Mullet Guy: This guy has the best faces of all of Hagar's band members. The one here is just one of several, and I could have gone with any of them as well. This sickly freak has this clip teetering on scary, actually, so let's just move on.

Nerdy Lawyer Guy: Yet another crotch moment when Hagar jumps on the desk and the greasy geek is left to look up at Sammy's junk. All of this phallic stuff could have been a precursor to Hagar taking over-sexed David Lee Roth's place in Van Halen, although Sammy never quite measured up to Diamond Dave in the sleaze department.

Any of these could have landed "I Can't Drive 55" in CDNR's hall of unheralded video excellence. But congratulations to Nut Cop for getting the job done.

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