This is pure MTV gold, the kind of stuff that DVR-ing VH1 Classic
was made for. It's so sensationally bad that it's hard to tell whether
this is unintentional comedy or intended unintentional comedy, like
"Birdemic."
I could have spent all day picking through the amazing moments, faces and freaks sprinkled all over this clip.
But the prime slice of this pile of '80s cheese is the "UH" moment. It's the exclamation point on a whirlwind sequence in which Hagar - a Rock and Roll Hall of Famer, mind you - throws his guitar in the air, runs up the wall, flips, catches the guitar, jumps off the judge's bench and lands his nuts on the back of the security guard's head.
Since you know the song, and you know that the "UH" part is coming, you know something awesome is gonna happen there. What makes it sublime is that you can never remember what it is, and when it happens, it's just flat-out rad - the timing, the landing and the dork's face when he gets reverse tea-bagged.
But there's so much more. Let's go to the highlights.
Sammy bitches out the alien cop: When Hagar leaves the racetrack and hits the road in his black Ferrari he's clearly pissed about something and in a rush. He's in Road Rage mode, weaving in and out of traffic because, well, he can't drive 55. So when this creepy-ass cop finally gets to him, it looks like Hagar actually pulls HIM over. Then he proceeds to get on his ass??!?!! No wonder he ended up in jail. Next time, pay the fine dude.
Curly Mullet Guy: Every one of the dudes in Hagar's band are pretty messed up looking. But, hey, it's the '80s, so they all get a pass. But Curly Mullet Guy has to be singled out, not only for his many psychotic faces, and not only for his sweet hairdo, but also for the fact that he looks like the one bad guy in "Roadhouse" who gets his throat ripped out by Dalton. Maybe it is the same guy, but I'm too lazy to look.
The Judge: He's smoking a cigar, hanging a doll, and chopping the head off his Stogie with a guillotine, which means what exactly? (besides that he's preparing the Stogie to be lit in a courtroom). I personally like how the guy lip syncs his lines and says the word "ass," even though it's bleeped out here. Apparently whoever posted this is kind of a prude.
Classic Mullet Guy: This guy has the best faces of all of Hagar's band members. The one here is just one of several, and I could have gone with any of them as well. This sickly freak has this clip teetering on scary, actually, so let's just move on.
Nerdy Lawyer Guy: Yet another crotch moment when Hagar jumps on the desk and the greasy geek is left to look up at Sammy's junk. All of this phallic stuff could have been a precursor to Hagar taking over-sexed David Lee Roth's place in Van Halen, although Sammy never quite measured up to Diamond Dave in the sleaze department.
Any of these could have landed "I Can't Drive 55" in CDNR's hall of unheralded video excellence. But congratulations to Nut Cop for getting the job done.
Keyboardist Dizzy Reed confirmed that he’ll be in the house at the Public Hall with Axl Rose, Slash, Duff McKagen, Izzy Stradlin, Gilby Clarke, Matt Sorum and Steven Adler (how big is this freaking stage?). He didn’t say much else, as in, WILL THEY BE PERFORMING TOGETHER?
At the very least, this ensures that GNR will avoid the debacles served up by the Sex Pistols and Van Halen, when almost zero members showed up. There’s still a chance, however, they could pull something douchy like John Fogerty and Creedence Clearwater Revival:
The knee-jerk reaction is to stamp the suck label on “Tattoo,” the new song and vid from Van Halen, Rock Hall Class of 2007.
If you haven’t watched or listened yet, I suggest you listen first. The tune is definitely a Piss Break Anthem, but it’s not the litter box left unattended for two weeks that people are already making it out to be.
Like any VH track, “Tattoo” is impeccably produced, and features ace guitar work by Ed, whether it’s the beefy chunk chords in the verse or the obligatory insane solo. Wisely, Ed the songwriter throttled Diamond Dave down to a lower, more mature register for the refrain.
Why listen first? Because the video is a total joke. What the f*ck is wrong with David Lee Roth? Is he really some kind of modern-day, real-life Samson, who lost his ability to even pretend to be cool when he lost his hair?
"Tattoo": Definitely an homage to "Jump." Only lamer.
Does he know someone who’s a fan of Alex Chilton, and they told him Alex Chilton (RIP) was cool, so DLR got mixed up and stole his ’do?
Whatever the problem, Roth is in full-on goof mode, only it’s Weird Uncle goof, like as in you wouldn’t want to leave your kid alone with this guy for five seconds. It’s just not funny, and you can tell Alex and Ed are kind of not that comfortable with it.
(also, the words don't match up with the vid. DUDE.)
Dave - we don’t care if you’re bald. Or if it looks bad. Grow the hair out in the back, even if that look gives you a mullet, and even if it gives you a skullet. We want our Van Halen, but we only want it with Long-Haired Dave.
All of this, however, is irrelevant, because this isn’t really Van Halen. We can’t judge this as a “Van Halen” track because the bass is missing.
David Lee Roth and Alex Chilton share the same hairdo.
The bones of an average to slightly below average song is here, but it’s like a donut without Michael Anthony’s wicked lines. Wolfgang would be an excellent School of Rock player, but putting him in VH is really a crime.
We understand there might be some booze/ no booze issues here (one of Anthony’s basses is shaped like a f*cking whiskey bottle) and maybe that’s more important, but a fact’s a fact. No Michael Anthony, no Van Halen.
