It was Mr. "Centerfield" who stood on principal, who said no way am I going to put out good shit for my label, no way am I going to play a goddamn three-chord song or two with my Creedence Clearwater Revival bandmates when we go in the Rock Hall in 1993, and it ain't me, it ain't me I ain't no fortunate son and all that crap.
Well lookie here: According to the Los Angeles Times, the alleged rebel has written an original theme song for a new Fox show, "The Finder," and will actually guest star in the debut on Thursday, and will actually make the stripped-down version of "Fortunate Son" that he plays on the show available for purchase at a later date. CAAAA-CHING.
Somehow this isn't the only noteworthy news involving John Fogy-ty, as it has been reported by Billboard and others that Foo Fighters will guest on his upcoming album. Other guests include Miranda Lambert and Brad Paisley.
MIRANDA LAMBERT. BRAD PAISLEY. FOO FIGHTERS. JOHN FOGERTY. SAME ALBUM.
Harry's dump-a-rooni: We've all been there before, right?
With that thought accepted and dumped out in a fashion similar to the one Jeff Daniels' Harry employed in "Dumb and Dumber," let's address the real issue: What is Dave Grohl up to here? Why perform on a Fogerty record? Why? There is just no connection at any point in Grohl's career with Nirvana or Foos that could be made. Even his limp-ass tune "Wheels," from their 2009 greatest hits album*, is more Tom Petty lite or by-the-numbers adult contemporary radio rock than it is retro-rock circuit.
* I have to break this out: Foo Fighters' 2009 "Greatest Hits" was a two-CD set, with EIGHT SONGS on each disc. Eight songs on one disc? What a monumental waste of disc space. So there's 16 songs, and among those is the awful "Wheels," which was new at the time, and was obviously awful, but someone had the genius idea to include this on a greatest hits set? Also among this collection of greats is an acoustic version of "Everlong" to close things out. This is a greatest HITS album boys. Why do you have two versions of the same song on a greatest hits record? HAHAHHAHA.
Watch the "Wheels" come down right here:
The only motive in play with this Foo Fighters-Fogerty collab is this: Grohl and his boys are laying the groundwork for a 2020 induction on the first ballot. By that time, Foo Fighters will be considered Classic Rock, and many will redo history to put them on one of the upper shelves with The Doors, The Byrds and, oh, what do you know, CREEDENCE!
Look, the self-titled debut was great. "The Colour and the Shape" is half good. I know CDNR's Flipout Wilson will disagree, but I don't see anything else in their catalog that takes them to Rock Hall level.
Hopefully, one of our readers in the Ukraine saves this or something like it until 2020.
The knee-jerk reaction is to stamp the suck label on “Tattoo,” the new song and vid from Van Halen, Rock Hall Class of 2007.
If you haven’t watched or listened yet, I suggest you listen first. The tune is definitely a Piss Break Anthem, but it’s not the litter box left unattended for two weeks that people are already making it out to be.
Like any VH track, “Tattoo” is impeccably produced, and features ace guitar work by Ed, whether it’s the beefy chunk chords in the verse or the obligatory insane solo. Wisely, Ed the songwriter throttled Diamond Dave down to a lower, more mature register for the refrain.
Why listen first? Because the video is a total joke. What the f*ck is wrong with David Lee Roth? Is he really some kind of modern-day, real-life Samson, who lost his ability to even pretend to be cool when he lost his hair?
"Tattoo": Definitely an homage to "Jump." Only lamer.
Does he know someone who’s a fan of Alex Chilton, and they told him Alex Chilton (RIP) was cool, so DLR got mixed up and stole his ’do?
Whatever the problem, Roth is in full-on goof mode, only it’s Weird Uncle goof, like as in you wouldn’t want to leave your kid alone with this guy for five seconds. It’s just not funny, and you can tell Alex and Ed are kind of not that comfortable with it.
(also, the words don't match up with the vid. DUDE.)
Dave - we don’t care if you’re bald. Or if it looks bad. Grow the hair out in the back, even if that look gives you a mullet, and even if it gives you a skullet. We want our Van Halen, but we only want it with Long-Haired Dave.
All of this, however, is irrelevant, because this isn’t really Van Halen. We can’t judge this as a “Van Halen” track because the bass is missing.
David Lee Roth and Alex Chilton share the same hairdo.
The bones of an average to slightly below average song is here, but it’s like a donut without Michael Anthony’s wicked lines. Wolfgang would be an excellent School of Rock player, but putting him in VH is really a crime.
We understand there might be some booze/ no booze issues here (one of Anthony’s basses is shaped like a f*cking whiskey bottle) and maybe that’s more important, but a fact’s a fact. No Michael Anthony, no Van Halen.
Scrapple tastes gooooood. Pork chop tastes goooood.
All of these things are awesome. All of these things at the same time still could be awesome. But it'd also be really confusing, almost impossible to digest, and probably in the end it might not be so, well, satisfying. You'll probably vomit at least once that night. You'll definitely shit yourself silly the next day.
What happened on Jan. 18, 1989, is similar to the very same feast described above. At the end of a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame ceremony that saw The Rolling Stones, The Temptations, Otis Redding, Stevie Wonder and Dion (not a bad class) go in, as well as cockface Phil Spector, who proved once again why he's as much of a cockface as he is a genius producer by inviting both Ike AND Tina Turner to induct him in the Hall. Interestingly enough, Ike is the one who pussed out, saying he was uncomfortable being around her.
At the end of what was probably a quite entertaining event to attend, all of the groups and an absolutely amazing assemblage of guests got on stage for a big jamfest performance of "Satisfaction."
Sure why the f*ck not, get out the cowbell.
Besides the inductees you had Dylan, Springsteen, George Harrison, a-hole Mike Love, a very uncomfortable looking John Fogerty (but when is John Fogerty ever comfortable looking?), possibly a coked out Billy Joel on the keys (it was possibly him, but whoever it was definitely was coked out); and then a super solid B team that included Mick Jones of Foreigner, Jeff Lynne, Arlo Guthrie, maybe Todd Rundgren and a few of the other Beach Boy dweebs.
There were so many f*ckers up there I'm not sure if any of the other Stones were up there besides Jagger.
The dizzying roster and the decent performance makes this a pretty incredible Rock Hall moment, but we're teetering on vomit, we're teetering on overindulgence and a sense that this might be too much, and then two more things take it to Over The Top Ville.
One is the presence of Paul Shaffer. But it's not just that he's there. It's that he used a Keytar to get himself front and center, whoring his way to the center of the action, like some dude nudging his way into the Last Supper scene so he could make the painting. F*ck you, Paul Shaffer.
This I get. The other thing, not so much.
Then there's what happens at 2:40. Bruce and Mick, sharing the mic like it was a metal schlong with a wire. When Bruce and Little Steven do this, it's cool. It's a bro thing. I get it. But here there's 400 mics sitting around, and no one's using them, and Bruce doesn't even have a guitar (another puzzling aspect), and there's no reason for them to get so close that their teeth are touching.
I dunno. The more I write about this the more I'm thinking this really is "great."
One of the best TV characters in the modern age is Token Black from South Park. Not because he’s hilarious or anything. But because he exists. As you probably know, the idea behind his existence in the show is that every social scenario portrayed in the media needs a black guy. But just one.
Nothing says that more than the Olive Garden commercials. Good holy shit, I hate those commercials. Allow me to provide the parenthetical message they project.
Just neato! My racially balanced group of friends is having a great time at Olive Garden. Look at us laughing and sharing breadsticks! We all dress the same too because all races in America share the same interests, especially when it comes to over-cheesed and over-salted food. See the black guy in the group? And the Asian woman? They prefer sharing a meal at Olive hanging with two white people as long as they conform to whitey’s ways of life.
Which brings us to the Class of 2013. Three major rap acts eligible for nomination are Public Enemy, N.W.A. and DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince.
Now, given the social ceiling of one black guy per group of whiteys, which of those three do you think the geezers at the Rock Hall will nominate?
These guys?
These guys?
Or these guys?
Of course it'll be the one with Will Smith.
That’s because when he rapped about the summertime and how parents don’t understand, it’s like he really knew how all blooming, wide-eyed teenagers feel. Ugh.
I didn’t learn shit from Will Smith. If it wasn’t for N.W.A. and Public Enemy, this white boy from a town of 4,000 in the woods of Western Pennsylvania would have no clue how the rest of this country really is.
But that shouldn’t even matter in the Rock Hall’s consideration. Instead of asking themselves, "Which one of black guys do we nominate this year?” they should ask, “Which artists were the most popular and revered by consumers and fellow performers?" And that question should be asked among the entire list of eligible artists, not just the racial tokens.
So, again, which of these artists eligible in 2013 do you think the geezer at the Rock Hall will nominate?
This guy?
Boy George really just made the same music everybody else did in the 80s. Plus, he at one point in walked outside of his house looking like that.
These guys?
I still can’t fathom how the Goo Goo Dolls have stayed popular in the past 15 years. I’ll give them credit for keeping their careers alive without having to do a reunion and releasing a handful of greatest hits records. However, the songs on their first record sound like they are reproduced versions of songs lying on the booze-soaked floor of The Replacements rehearsal space – songs that didn’t make the cut to be considered B-sides.
These guys (and gal)?
I actually have nothing against the Pixies. They deserve a nomination and induction. At best, they'll get a nom. No golden ticket. Because Cleveland Does Not Rock.
These guys?
These guys?
NWA and Public Enemy changed the direction of rap. It went from diluted and pasteurized to a concentrated dose of reality kids didn’t know existed.
Their influence was so huge that other candy-coated rap acts changed their marketed image to blend into rap’s new backdrop. Look no further than MC Hammer, who changed his name to “Hammer” in 1994 and recorded this song.
Fail.
By the way, MC Hammer is also up for nomination in 2013.
Steve Jones, right, earns a Gold Medal for his efforts in the War on the Hall.
Yes, we've looked ahead to the potential Class of 2013, but despite what Boston said, it can't hurt to look back. Especially if it's someone else doing the looking.
Henceforth, here's three reactions to this year's inductions that we discovered this week, ranging from awesome to about as puzzling as "John From Cincinnati."
1) WAR blasts the induction of The Beastie Boys, courtesy of TMZ. That's right, this WAR. The WAR with this guy in it. Here's what founding member Howard Scott told the site:
"How could the Beastie Boys get in before us when they sampled
War's music on their first album?! I'll eat their platinum records!"
Tobolowsky's greatest role: Ned Ryerson in "Groundhog Day."
So basically, Scott is saying that WAR should get in because the Beastie Boys sampled them on "Slow Ride." (Even though "Slow Ride" is a better song, but whatever). Or because WAR came before the Beastie Boys. But that's like Stephen Tobolowsky complaining that he should have gotten an Oscar before Javier Bardem just because the erstwhile Ned Ryerson did his first movie in 1976, 31 years before "No Country For Old Men." Yeah, they're both actors, but Tobolowsky is one of "those guys" who usually fills goofy, off-kilter parts while Bardem takes on serious, often creepy roles.
2) While pontificating on a theoretical Guns 'N' Roses reunion that will never happen, singer Axl Rose essentially told the Los Angeles Times that if Duff and Slash would do it, that would count as a real-deal GNR reformation, and that guitarist Izzy Stradlin and original drummer Steven Adler are not necessary ingredients. Via www.antimusic.com:
Izzy not essential to GNR? Whaaat?
"Because, really, you can get guys from the ['Use Your Illusion'] thing, but the only thing that would make it would be Duff [McKagan] and Slash, really. It's nothing against Izzy [Stradlin] and it's nothing against Steven [Adler], or anything like that."
Uh, what? That's like Frank Black leaving Kim Deal out of a Pixies reunion and calling it legit. Or d*ckhead Sting reuniting The Police without d*ckhead drummer Stuart Copeland. Or R.E.M. calling themselves R.E.M. without drummer Bill Berry. Wait, uh ...
3) Sex Pistols guitarist Steve Jones arbitrarily decided to come out and endorse Johnny Rotten's decision to lead the band into a snub of the Hall when they were inducted in 2006, and used it as bait to lure Contact Music into an interview in which he absolutely annihilated The Hall. Steve, if you're out there, we want you to write for Cleveland Does Not Rock. (side note: In the photo on the site you'll note that Contact Music apparently has confused this Steve Jones with the Sex Pistol Steve Jones. Oopsers). Anyway, Jones said this:
"Each year it (induction ceremony) gets lamer and lamer. A bunch of old f**ks kissing each other's a**, stroking each other. It's got nothing to do with rock 'n' roll whatsoever."
Once the suits finish moshing to "Give It Away," doing the "Brass Monkey" and getting their rocks off to a Faces reunion led by Rod Stewart and Ronnie Wood, we'll all move on to the Class of 2013, to be announced this fall before the world presumably ends.
And perhaps as a harbinger of the End Times, it's quite possible the Hall could avoid complete flaccidity for once in its existence: Two can't-miss "cool" and legit acts - The Pixies and Public Enemy - are up for induction. These two acts are among our "12 Artists That Must Be Discussed in 2012 For Induction in 2013."Awesome title, eh?
KISS
Took makeup and pyro to another level, defined stadium rock, pulled two of the biggest and best gags in rock history by taking the makeup off and putting it back on again and, oh, wrote some amazing songs.
RUSH
Three of the best musicians ever to play rock music, plus alongside (early) Genesis and YES form the Mount Rushmore of Prog Rock.
THE PIXIES
Took what came before (Husker Du, David Bowie, Minutemen, etc.) and crystallized it into THE slick alt-rock sound that dominated the early 1990s and the loud-soft-loud dynamic that Nirvana admittedly borrowed (stole?). Several uber-successful and very lucrative reunion tours should nail down an induction.
PUBLIC ENEMY
I'm going back on my attack on the Beastie Boys and their recent induction - oh, I still don't think they should be in, but just not yet. Someday, maybe. Not yet. But since they are in, voters have now painted themselves in a corner. If the Beasties - sort of a joke act - are in, then Public Enemy, arguably the greatest and most important rap/ hip-hop acts of all time, should be in. Shit, they are one of the greatest and most important acts, period. Hear the drummer get wicked.
HEART
Shafted in the 2012 inductions after being led on by the Hall and it's limp voters all year. Put them in already.
THE RUNAWAYS
Joan Jett was another one who seemed to be led on, but really the band she was a leading force in should get in first anyway - The Runaways. The band went worldwide and foretold the Riot Grrl movement of the 1990s. They weren't just a great chick band, they were a great band period.
THE REPLACMENTS
We can dream right? They're only one of the best bands of the last 25 years, maybe even 35, with songs that defined a generation and now get passed to kids over and over again like a New Age Led Zeppelin. If Rock Hall voters had actual testicles (and proverbial ones for the females in the group), Paul Westerberg, Tommy Stinson, Bob Stinson, Christopher Mars and Slim Dunlap would be enshrined already.
CHEAP TRICK
One of the biggest bands in the world in the late 1970s and early 1980s, plus they have a mountain of amazing singles, plus they are one of the best and most important power-pop bands of all time.
THE SMITHS
The Smiths were to the 1980s as the Beatles were to the 1960s. If you live in America, you choose to ignore or forget that truth. If you lived in Britain, you know that to be a stone-cold fact. They had so many singles they put out several compilations with almost completely different lineups. Plus they were fronted by The Gay Elvis, Morrissey, i.e. one of the greatest frontmen of all-time.
HALL & OATES
Sensational songwriters and performers. If you don't love at least one H&O song you don't like music. Even freaking RAPPERS dig Hall & Oates and have sampled tunes like "One On One." Plus, The Mustache. Need I say more?
DEVO
So innovative, so influential, so f*cking weird. Mark Mothersbaugh continues to prove his genius to this day - not only did he helm wacked out tunes like "Jocko Homo" and "Peek-a-boo," but he also has been writing kids' music and scoring shows and movies for eons.
T. REX
If there's no T. Rex, there's no Bowie. There's also about 14 fewer Oasis songs, including "Cigarettes and Alcohol." Daltry namechecked the erstwhile Marc Bolan in a song ("To the sounds of old T. Rex, in "You Better You Bet"). 'Nuff said.
BONUS: GO-GOS/ THE CARS
If you're going to arbitrarily start chucking in random 1980s acts, why not start with two of the best pop bands of the decade?
The cage match continues: Def Lep's "Adrenalize" vs. Bon Jovi's "New Jersey."
Round 4, Track 4:
Bon Jovi's "Living In Sin"
Michael Anthony: OK, so it's not the worst song recorded in 1989 (here you go!), but it's a close second. And the fact that it's even mentioned in the same breath as that stank travesty is all you need to know. That it hit #9 on the charts should make us all ashamed to be American.
Now that we've gotten that out of the way, here are some fun facts about the great American band, Bon Jovi:
1. Did you know that Mr. Biongiovianni's 2009 non-hit "We Weren't Born To Follow (In The U.S.A. (To Run))" was seminally responsible for the Arab Spring, in which ordinary citizens in Tunisia, Libya, and Egypt, among others, rose up and successfully overthrew regimes responsible for everything from corruption and poor economic conditions to authoritarian oppression and state-sponsored censorship?
You didn't? Me either! I've never even heard the song to begin with! Because it got literally zero airplay! But boy did it change the political climate of the Middle East!
Here, I've taken a screenshot of the actual Wiki page, so you can see it before it gets removed:
Brayan: Least-bad-ass keyboard player in the history of rock?
2. Kroeger-haired BJ keyboardist David Brayan has released two solo albums. The first contains an intstrumental version of 1993's "In These Arms", and about a dozen other masterworks. The second, released five years later, contains the exact same songs as the first one, except now "In These Arms" has vocals again! And they're David's!
3. Bon Jovi re-recorded the oft-mentioned "Living On A Prayer" as a lite-grunge/folk/hip-hop hybrid called "Prayer 94". Why?
I suppose I shouldn't have to waste my breath, but I will anyway: it's BAD.
3a. Bon Jovi's grunge counterpart, Art Alexakis - and his sub-literate, trailer-park Springsteenisms - has foisted upon the public re-recorded versions of Everclear tunes, not once, but TWICE in two years. I mean, I kinda dig those tunes to be honest, but why are they doing this at all, let alone, all the time? Is it some kind of twisted, self-deprecating in-joke about how all their songs soundthesame? Hopefully it's not just some kind of cash-grab!
RATING: -0.0 (out of 10)
No doubt Carvey's "look at my butt" skit was an inspiration.
G.E. Smith: Maybe something's wrong with my eyesight, but I think there's a mistake in the credit on "Living in Sin." It says "J. Bon Jovi" when it should say "Michael/ J. Bon Jovi/ Springsteen." It should say that because the verse is a carbon copy of the verse to George Michael's smash hit "Father Figure," released just a year earlier, and because the outro lifts the ending to about 50 Bruce Springsteen songs. But hey, no big deal, a typo is just a typo. We have our share here on CDNR, and a typo on a blog read by 6 people everyday is on the same level as neglecting to give credit to two guys who dominated the pop charts in the '80s when you so obviously ripped them off, er, used their songs.
Look, this is JBJ's time in the spotlight as a songwriter on "New Jersey," so let's not let an act of complete thievery ruin the occasion. Of all the stains on this skid-mark-laced pair of worn-for-five-days boxer shorts, this is the only one that he can take all the credit for - and, well, all the blame.
He's swinging for the fences, trying to capture that timeless story of young love on the run, the kind of thing Bruuuce was a master of. Instead, he continues his devolution into some kind of sappy-ass white trash version of Barry White, breathing hot and heavy about some chick he wants to pry from her daddy's overprotective arms so he can get her all to himself back at his place. He calls it "love," they call it "living in sin," I call it a creepy ass dude abducting an underage girl.
Marx: Don't touch the hair.
And instead of getting anywhere close to something like The Boss' "Born To Run," he ends up delivering a homeless man's version of a vintage Desmond Child song rife with Child's knack for McWriting and dumbing-down of a concept: Pack a verse with more cliches than a Richard Marx song ("sign it on a dotted line," "look me in the eye," "your daddy don't approve," "get me through the night") throttle up for a soaring refrain, cue the cookie-cutter Sambora solo, then break it down with a slow-it-down clambake ("I don't know ... just where we fit in ...") punctuated by a line that's spoken through a muffle of chest hair and Old Spice: "Sometimes it scares me."
Yeah, I'm scared too. I'm scared that this failed Casanova and his band of hacks could get into the Hall one day.
RATING: .2 out of 10
Def Lep circa 'Adrenalize.' Obviously, someone is "Bonerized."
Def Leppard's "Tonight"
Michael Anthony: All hail the Lep! Even though they resort to rippingoff themselves - albeit with with slightly diminished returns - it's a wise decision that you can't really blame them for. Clearly, they've run out of ideas, melodies, and any knack for writing guitar hooks, so why not steal the arpeggiated riffs and shout-along style of earlier tunes? It worked then, right?
The tune doesn't measure up to something you might find in the guts of a solid block of Metal Mania - but it has this propulsive, rhythmic quality to it that a lot of power ballads are missing, proving that corny romantic wimp-rock bereft of any lyrical value doesn't have to be slow on top of everything else.
There's no way Def Lep (or any band besides this) could have lost this round up against "Living In STINK", but regardless, Joe Elliot and co. came up big in the clutch.
RATING: 6.65 (out of 10)
G.E. Smith: Yeah man, musically this is more like it. Instead of banging away at chords like they had He-Man pal Fisto's big silver hand, there's some actual playing like back in the "High N' Dry"-"Pyromania" days.
Oh yeah, some guy on 'Game of Thrones' gets stabbed in the neck.
You're right, the song ain't great by any stretch - you know something awesome is going to happen when those verses finally unravel, but the pay off is like the "Star Wars" prequels (Is that it? All we get is a bunch of Yoda tricks and Darth Vader putting on his helmet?) or the finale of the first season of HBO's "Game of Thrones," where a string of heart attack-inducing shows in which the creators gave one eff you after another by killing off main characters, cutting the screen to black to create unreal cliff-hangers and making heads explode (not literally) by doing things like showing someone getting their neck ripped out (literally) came to an end with a head-scratcher where a chick made three dragon eggs hatch, well, dragons and dead people started coming out of the forest.
Also, I'm not really sure what a "haute beat" is, as in "listen to your haute beat," but I do think that sometimes these guys sing like they just got out of the dentists' chair.
