Kickin' Em Out: 1994

WARNING: This is going to piss a lot of people off.

OK, here goes: The Band should not be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Hear me out. Robbie Robertson, Rick Danko, Levon Helm, Garth Hudson and Richard Manuel are all great players, and form a really good backing band. In other words, The Band is not a good band band, but The Band is an amazing band to have backing a solo artist. Got it?

It's why they made their bones and their name as the band behind rockabilly player Lonnie Hawkins. It's why they had such success backing up Bob Dylan (pause for a moment: I'm sure their 1974 tour together was insanely incredible, but if you're going to try and tell me that "The Basement Tapes" are these great lost treasures, you're lying. They're horrid.)

It's why "The Last Waltz" is arguably the best concert film ever, and almost certainly the best show that ever went down, in terms of performance and music produced. I mean, Van Morrison's jacked-out-of-his-mind performance of "Caravan"? Holy shit. And they set up one hell of a haulin'-ass train behind Muddy Waters' massive locomotive on "Mannish Boy." And they manage to wring more cheese out of Neil Diamond when he does "Dry Your Eyes" than the kids in "Saving Silverman."

Look out everyone! He's got a hanger!

And they completely neutralize Neil Young's coke booger when he does his insane rendition of "Helpless" with Joni Mitchell, who wasn't stoned enough yet to get up next to him and said nose refuse.

And then there's the closing all-star jam of "I Shall Be Released," when Ron Wood and Ringo F*cking Starr pop out of the audience to join in. Mr. Starkey jumps in on second drums (maybe the only time ever that the two-drum attack has been not only acceptable but actually works really well) and even rocks out one of those signature Beatles drum fills (as noted by Robertson on the behind-the-scenes shit they show on VH1). Sure, some of the credit can go to cocaine, but then again grass and psychedelics could take most if not all of the credit for Woodstock and Monterey Pop.

If this seems like a ton of glowing praise for a "Kickin' Em Out" segment, it is. But it also proves the point - The Band is a fine band on its own, but it's not a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame band on its own.

Robertson, Helm, Danko, Manuel and Hudson are like Scottie Pippen, Dennis Rodman, Horace Grant, Bill Cartwright, Steve Kerr and other role players on the dominant Chicago Bulls teams of the 1990s - they take the proverbial Michael Jordan, whether it be Dylan, or Young, or whoever, and help elevate them to all those NBA titles. Without them, Jordan is just dicking around, winning scoring titles and dunk contests and scoring 63 points against the Celtics in a first round playoff game before going home early.

Man, that was one ugly shot.

And that's the frustrating thing. Like my soon-to-be-laid-out theory on how Billy Joel could have been Buddy Holly, The Band could have been Hall of Famers - just like Pippen and Rodman. All those other dudes are essentially Hall of Famers without the plaque - everyone knows Kerr iced the Jazz in 1997, and that HoGrant was a monster on the boards, and that Cartwright had that sweet foul shot.

Look, I'll give you "The Weight," one of my top 30 songs of all time, and "Up on Cripple Creek." And maybe I'll even give you that "Music from Big Pink" and the self-titled follow-up are great albums, event though I don't agree with that statement at all.

But take a load off, Fannie - I'm still kickin' em out.

By the way, this is one of the most amazing Rock Hall classes of all time. Marley and Lennon in the same class? Elton John and Rod Stewart in the same class? And (even though I personally think their music sounds like the garbles of bird squawking in its own vomit) the Grateful Dead? Wow.

One more thing: While I'm at it, I'm kicking the Animals out too. I don't even need to explain why. God, I hate that band.

Oh yeah, you're out too, assholes.

The Animals
The Grateful Dead
Willie Dixon
Duane Eddie
Elton John
The Band
John Lennon
Bob Marley
Johnny Otis
Rod Stewart

p.s. - I'm sorry

p.p.s. - No, I'm not

p.p.p.s. - Ok, maybe I am, but just a little bit

Would You Rather: Rock Hall edition

The Eagles: I can't tell you why.

Would you rather ...

Watch the YouTube video for The Eagles' "The Long Run" for 10 hours straight, enduring Don Henley's nasally whine, a vocal attack that makes it seem as if his balls are dragging on the floor underneath the bass drum pedal; seeing smug-ass Glen Frey, Joe Walsh and Timothy B. Schmit deliver their backup vocals, all the while knowing they were both seething over Henley's time in the sun; hearing the constant wheez of Walsh's lazy lead guitar, a mail-it-in effort that was emblematic of what the band was up to at the time ...

OR

Eat a bowl of used tampons donated by Poison groupies?

Would you rather...



Listen to an entire solo album by Sting or Eric Clapton, feeling the full brunt of an English ego run roughshod, whether it was Slowhand's 1981 shitfest "Another Ticket," featuring the half-hearted accidental hit "I Can't Stand It," or the super-indulgent deep cuts on the immensely overrated "Ten Summoner's Tales" ...


OR


Let your head get stuck in an elevator door?

And would you rather ...

Ew.

Be the poor bastard who has to put the makeup on the faces of, well, Faces Ron Wood and Rod Stewart at the upcoming Rock Hall inductions, filling in cracks chiseled into those ugly mugs by oceans of liquor and mountains of narcotics, inhaling the smoke-and-booze-infused breath as it emanates from their mouth filled with f*cked up teeth ...


OR


Intentionally break three toes of your choice?