Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Songwriters Hall let's Rock Hall off the hook by sucking worse

The Baseball Hall of Fame is the creme de la creme of all Halls. There will be debates and controversy, and legitimate gripes about who gets in and who should be in, but at least Cooperstown has standards (imaginary benchmarks like 500 HR, 3,000 hits, 300 wins, etc.). And scruples (no Roiders, no Cheaters).

But the others mostly suck. The Basketball Hall of Fame in Springfield, Ill., lets in just about everyone, and its lack of focus - NBA, men's and women's college, Olympic, grade school JV, YMCA rec league players and coaches from every level all seem to get in - makes it irrelevant. For what it's worth, Bill Simmons laid out a dream NBA HoF in his 2009 "The Book of Basketball." 

The Football Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio, seems to have slightly better standards, but stats are so hard to measure in football. The different eras, with vastly different styles of play, discrepancies in sizes and speeds of players, segregation in play early on and, most recently, protection rules and Dark Helmet-esque domes for quarterbacks, make it impossible to judge everyone on an even keel.
It's true: Jackie Moon is in the hoops hall.

Hockey isn't a sport, so no need to discuss or even find out anything about that Hall.

As this blog has testified to since 2011, the Rock Hall is pretty much in the basement of all Halls of Fame. So no need to say anymore there.

However, we've found an all new low: The Songwriters Hall of Fame.

This piece of rhino dung seems to let in just about every SoB who ever picked up a pen.

Garth Brooks? Phil Collins? Jon Bon Jovi?

And now Bob Seger, a 2004 Rock Hall inductee who will go in the Songwriters Hall with the 2012 class along with Gordon Lightfoot, Harvey Schmidt and Tom Jones (legit), Don Schlitz and Jim Steinman (totally legit).

Bob actually made Tom's career.
Personally, I could care less about this jackwad Hall and their complete lack of standards. But putting Seger in gives complete legitimacy to his '04 induction to the Rock Hall, which should never happen.

"Against The Wind" and "Night Moves" are fine FM radio staples; "Old Time Rock & Roll" will be played at weddings forever; "Hollywood Nights" is kind of a sick track (by the way, you ever see that 1980 flick "The Hollywood Knights" with Tony Danza, Michelle Pfeiffer and Robert Wuhl as Newbomb Turk? It's a late-night HBO classic. You know what I'm saying).

But Seger should not be in the Rock Hall, and he should not be in the Songwriters Hall. After all, the guy cites Don Henley and Glenn Frey as songwriting teachers.

I think The Briefs said it best:

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Rock Hall to poop all over Cleveland's sidewalks

The Cleveland Plain Dealer is reporting that the Rock Hall has plans for a Walk of Fame that boasts names of inductees on bronze plaques all over the sidewalks of downtown Cleveland.

The first 17 plaques will be unsheathed on April 4, 10 days before the next Sh*tFest of Rock History, otherwise known as the annual Rock Hall Induction Ceremony.

Most certainly these plaques will bear the names of as many worthy choices (Beatles, Dylan, the bitchin' Chuck Berry, etc) as they will complete farces who are already in the Hall (The Band, cornball Jackson Browne, Madonna, the billions of '60s bands who were rubber-stamped in).

In other words, we see each of these brownish plaques as $5,000 pieces of turd. Better bring a pooper-scooper next time you're in Cleveland.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Welcome back to the jungle: Original GNR to be at the Hall

Billboard Magazine is reporting that all of the original members of Guns ’N’ Roses will be at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony on April 14 in Cleveland.

Keyboardist Dizzy Reed confirmed that he’ll be in the house at the Public Hall with Axl Rose, Slash, Duff McKagen, Izzy Stradlin, Gilby Clarke, Matt Sorum and Steven Adler (how big is this freaking stage?). He didn’t say much else, as in, WILL THEY BE PERFORMING TOGETHER?

At the very least, this ensures that GNR will avoid the debacles served up by the Sex Pistols and Van Halen, when almost zero members showed up. There’s still a chance, however, they could pull something douchy like John Fogerty and Creedence Clearwater Revival:

Stay tuned.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Breaking news: Dave Grohl is old

Relevance to the Rock Hall: Mr. Grohl's Foo Fighters can never get in.

From: G.E. Smith
Date: Wed, 15 Feb 2012 11:32:55 -0500
To: Michael Anthony
Subject: three amigos

OK, I got no problem with Butch Vig. He did Nevermind and some big early 90s albums. I got no beef with Dave Grohl, mainly because he's Flipout Wilson’s boy. I have no beef with Rick Springfield, because he rocked some great tunes. Yet all three together, doing something musically seems….wrong. Disingenuous maybe. What is up with this sh*t.

From: Michael Anthony
Sent: Wednesday, February 15, 2012 11:34 AM
To: G.E. Smith
Subject: Re: three amigos

Maybe Vig is Rick's stunt double?

Corgan, or the New Radicals guy?
From: G.E. Smith
Date: Wed, 15 Feb 2012 11:38:39 -0500
To: Michael Anthony
Subject: RE: three amigos

First rubbing d*cks with Fogerty and now this. In the Facebook post where this pic comes from Rick says "yes we look happy" and reveals they had just finished recording a song for "Dave's project" called "The Man That Never Was." Yes they do look happy. They look like they just "finished" something if you know what I mean.

From: Michael Anthony
Sent: Wednesday, February 15, 2012 11:46 AM
To: G.E. Smith
Subject: Re: three amigos

They need to get Corgan in there to complete the sh*t sandwich.

From: G.E. Smith
Date: Wed, 15 Feb 2012 11:49:56 -0500
To: Michael Anthony
Subject: RE: three amigos

I'm thinking Corgan would be the hockey-puck-like, too-old-to-eat patty and Rick would be the "special sauce."

Check out this clip when you get a chance. Kurdt calls Dave's first Nirvana co-writing contributions (on "In Utero") "simple" and "bone-headed."

Also, this photo answers the question: "When does irony become reality?"

From: Michael Anthony
Sent: Wednesday, February 15, 2012 11:55 AM
To: G.E. Smith
Subject: Re: three amigos

Yeah seriously. Like you said - I respect Vig for his work, deeply admire Springfield and his music for what it is, and give Grohl some points for drumming in a decent band.

No, we will not die like dogs! We will fight like lions!
But who would have thought the guy who produced Killdozer, and the supposedly once-cool drummer from a pioneering grunge band would be doing this now? Or I guess - maybe - this is what we should have figured all along?

Either way, Michael Gerald from Killdozer should stop by to take a steaming dump on the soundboard, then kick their asses.


From: G.E. Smith
Sent: Wednesday, February 15, 2012 12:03 PM
To: Michael Anthony
Subject: RE: three amigos

Look, you get older, your tastes change. You get a little lamer. Maybe you don't chuck a best-of Boston CD when it gets mailed to you by their PR people. Maybe you leave Styx's "Too Much Time On My Hands" on when the vid comes on Classic. But you can still be cool. As long as you're aware of getting older and lamer, you stay cool.

This, this right here, is not being aware, and not staying cool. Allow me to drive the nail in Dave Grohl's coolness coffin.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Whitney Houston should be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

If Janis Joplin is in, then Whitney Houston should be in.

If Patti Smith is in, then Whitney Houston should be in.

If Madonna is in, then Whitney Houston should be in.

All three were/are supremely talented.

Joplin had her raspy, otherworldly booze-and-smokes laced voice and incredible stage presence. Smith wrote poetic lyrics that blew her fans' minds for some reason I can't understand. Madonna was an above-average singer who could dance and put on an amazing show, as well as David Bowie’s female counterpart as the all-time best pop star chameleon.

Only Madonna could match Houston in the great tunes category, and in the voice department Whitney blows all three away.

Look, there’s a lot of hyperbole going on right now in the wake of Houston’s death - "best female singer ever," "best pop star of the ’80s," "one of the greatest artists of all time."

Big Shot Bob had the magic.
Let’s give credit where credit is due without going overboard: Whitney Houston is one of the greatest female singers and pop stars of the last 30 years.

And during her peak years, she dominated pop but had this weird dash of Robert Horry magic, always in the right place at the right time to bury the killer shot and win it all.

Filling a void in pop radio in the middle part of the decade. Slamming it out of the park at the 1988 Olympics. Rocking that “Bodyguard” tune and somehow selling us on the idea that Costner could even come close to landing a date with her. Lending "The Greatest Love of All" to the Dr. J highlight reel on that unreal NBA Superstars video.

It’s criminal that it takes her dying to make her induction so obvious and urgent. And since the Hall is apparently now in the mood to right some wrongs, it shouldn’t be too long before this happens.

In the meantime, here's CDNR's dark horse all-time favorite Whitney tune:

Friday, February 3, 2012

CDNR readers: Don Henley should be in the Rock Hall

Congratulations to Donald Hugh "Don" Henley, who has been selected by YOU, the readers of Cleveland Does Not Rock, as the next solo artist who should be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

According to the poll, which appeared on this site for several months, 10 people said Henley should get in, 5 people said Sting should be next, and 4 people picked Phil Collins.

Now I don't know about you, but these figures seem to be just a little misleading and it might not represent the most scientific data ever gathered. That might be because only 19 people voted out of the thousands who likely stumbled onto this sacred plot of virtual space by accident.

However, there are a few deductions that can be made from this poll:

Sting: Gracious in defeat. Maybe a little too much so.
- It is believed that Henley is the least lame of the three. I can get behind that: He freaking sang "Hotel California" and "Boys of Summer." How badass is that? He's a drummer who sings. Double badass! He made the album "End of the Innocence," which features a duet with Axl Rose and ample amounts of Bruce Hornsby. Uh ...

- Readers believe that Henley is the better of the two drummer-singers in the poll, blasting Phil Collins out of the water. I'm not down with this. Collins is a better singer; Henley whines like his nuts are dragging on the ground like some old dog walking around a dusty little league baseball field. Collins is (was) ten times cooler, having been the drummer for the best prog band ever, Old Genesis (as opposed to New Genesis, which is pretty assy). Henley is zero percent cool.

- Sting sucks ass.

- This was a horrible poll question.

You might not like this, but DD must go in before Sting.
- People don't give a shit. This might be the most important deduction of all, because while it's sort of a total long shot that Henley and Collins will ever get in as solo artists, the danger is very real that Sting could get in soon. The voters are facing a tough stretch here as '80s bands are coming up. Will these lame f*cks ever vote in any of the amazing left-of-the-dial bands? (Replacements, The Pixies, Hüsker Dü, Minutemen, etc.) What's the verdict on New Wave stuff like Duran Duran? Will they realize that there are more than three rap acts in the history of music? If the answer is no to all of those, Sting enters the picture. Thankfully, the results of this poll show that no one gives a crap if he gets in or not, because any jerk who's into Sting and tripped their way onto this page would have seen the word "Sting" and done whatever they could to make sure their Gordie got critical acclaim.

- Henley rules, and of the two overwrought, cynical, super-smug, post-Eagles people-are-livin'-seedy-lives tracks, the readers of CDNR clearly prefer his "Dirty Laundry" to Glenn Frey's "Smuggler's Blues." You be the judge, and hold on to your horses for a "Dirty Laundry" vs. "Smuggler's Blues" post.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Steve Perry: Rock Hall can go eff itself

 All it took to pull us out of hiatus was an out-of-nowhere shot at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame by one of rock's greatest and most unheralded vocalists.

Ex-Journey lead singer Steve Perry recently told Billboard Magazine that Journey doesn't need to be in the Hall in order to solidify its place in the lore of rock history.

"I'm not a big fan of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It's just a personal thing, not an ego thing. I think that, honestly, Journey doesn't need to be in the Hall of Fame. With everything we accomplished ... we've had our Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, you know? It's in the hearts of the people out there and their experiences and their memories of what we did together."

Maybe Perry, aka The Voice, was sidestepping the actual question from Gary Graff - which was would Journey do a one-off reunion if they got in the Rock Hall one day - because Perry has an actual working brain, and he knows Neal Schon and the other remaining king-sized douchebags in the sham-of-a-band would never swallow their pride and reform the band under any circumstances. Come on, dudes, you know you're a better band with Steve as the singer.
Only with the classic lineup do you get Air Everything.

Why? Why is the "classic" lineup of Journey not on tour right now? Why is this guy the lead singer, and why won't anyone acknowledge the total bullshit that's going on here. Even VH1 Classic looks the other way in a promo for one of their classic concert nights - for .1 seconds they use a clip of the current lead singer, what's-his-name, singing "Anyway You Want It" and then the second it goes to another shot, Perry's vocal seems to seep in. Journey continues to f*ck its own legacy, as evidenced by how they allowed David Chase to play their signature tune over the worst closing scene to a series in television history.

They can make it all right by reuniting with Perry. Why can't this happen? Look at Van Freaking Halen. Sure, Eddie is screwing up that victory lap by not reaching out and getting original bassist Michael Anthony in the mix, but he made up with Dave to give the fans what they want (DLR-era VH) and give their pockets what they want (straight-up hardcore cash money).

Money is the root of all evil, but it can also heal all wounds.
Look at The Police, Garbage, Afghan Whigs, The Pixies, Dinosaur Jr., Stone Temple Pilots, Superdrag, the "classic" lineup of Guided By Voices, Pavement, Soundgarden, Archers of Loaf and every other band that realized there was more money to be made if the egos were set aside in the name of doing what was right and, frankly, making sense.

Perry is actually correct. Journey doesn't need to be in the Rock Hall. But they should be.

But the situation there does bring up a good point and the possibility of actually improving the wretched Hall. If you get in, you should reunite. Better yet, if you get in, you HAVE to reunite. This would prevent numbnuts like Axl, Slash and Guns 'N' Roses from pussing out and refusing to get back together, and stop jerks like John Fogerty from accepting the trophy with Stu Cook and Doug Clifford and then not playing tunes with them at the induction ceremony.

(Should be noted here that Cook and Clifford are jackwads in their own right, for the mere existence of Creedence Clearwater Revisited which, by the way, will be at Dover Downs on April 13. Get your tickets now!!)

(Should also be noted here that R.E.M., which ceased being cool and relevant the second Bill Berry got up from the drum kit in 1997, realized this and reunited with Berry for an amazing set that only lost points for the kind of moberry duet with Ed Vedder on "Man on the Moon.")

Journey probably won't ever get in the Hall, Steve. But like you said, you can't stop believin'.